Back by popular demand, the Stiffy Awards are here to take our minds off a tough playoff series against Utah. For a few hours at least, anyway.
LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER: GILBERT ARENAS
It was tempting to give this award to Allen Iverson for the second consecutive season, but it’s hard to top Agent Zero’s 2009-10 “season.” Long before Arenas officially sank the Wizards season by bringing guns into the team locker room as an alleged joke to settle a gambling debt with Javaris Crittenton, Arenas had already ruined the Wizards season by showing up at training camp with a foul attitude and unwillingness to play within new coach Flip Saunders system. Then there was the gun incident, Arenas’ poor attempt at humor by mimicking gun play with his teammates, the lecture inside David Stern’s office and the indefinite suspension. Not bad for a guy making $16.2 million this season and due to make $22.3 million in 2013-14.
Runners Up: Allen Iverson (for bailing on two franchises – both of which played better without him – and all but guaranteeing that we’ll never see him play in an NBA game again), Rasheed Wallace (just read this), Richard Jefferson, Tracy McGrady and Josh Howard.
WORST COACH OF THE YEAR: KIKI VANDEWEGHE
After sandbagging Nets head coach Lawrence Frank with a shoddy, injury-riddled roster, former Nuggets GM Kiki Vandeweghe took over the coaching reigns and did a worse job considering the players were relatively healthy on Kiki’s watch. Even his hand-picked assistant coach, Del Harris, wouldn’t stick around until the end of the season to see how this disaster would play out (Harris resigned after two months for “personal reasons”). Before catching a few teams napping towards season’s end, Vandeweghe’s Nets flirted with setting the NBA’s all-time record for fewest wins in an NBA season. Kiki did realize his team plays in the Eastern Conference, right?
Runners Up: Don Nelson, Kurt Rambis and Eddie Jordan.
WORST EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR: DAVID KAHN
In the wake of Kevin McHale’s final years running the Timberwolves, the franchise could only go up. Or so you’d think. Thanks to David Kahn, things have managed to get surprisingly worse. As Bill Simmons pointed out the other day, when you draft two point guards early in the 2009 NBA Draft and neither one of them is named Stephen Curry or Brandon Jennings, you’re doing something wrong. Making matters worse for Kahn and the Timberwolves, Kahn was unable to lock down draftee Ricky Rubio to a contract offer before the draft making it likely that the Wolves’ fifth overall pick from last year’s draft could be completely wasted. To top things off, Kahn was arrogant and prickly with the press all season long, leaving him with no one rooting for his success. Enjoy the “Wrath of Kahn”, T’Wolves fans.
Runners Up: Ernie Grunfeld, Joe Dumars and Larry Bird.
WORST ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: HASHEEM THABEET
I actually feel bad for Thabeet, who has a great life story and an equally great attitude, but he’s already threatening to be in Michael Olowokandi / Kwame Brown / Darko Milicic territory after becoming the highest pick ever to be demoted to the D-League. Thabeet is further proof of why the NBA needs a more stable farm system, as he clearly needs time to develop. They say you can’t coach height, but what happens when that height comes with two slow left feet and no basketball instincts?
Runners Up: Jordan Hill, Tyler Hansbrough and Blake Griffin.
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: CHRIS COHAN
Since taking over as owner of the Golden State Warriors in 1995, the Warriors have had just two winning seasons, have made just one playoff appearance (which surprisingly resulted in biggest upset in NBA playoff history) and have a winning percentage of .374. This stretch of ineptitude makes the Nuggets stretch from 1990 through 2002 look tame. It’s a good thing Cohan is receiving his Stiffy Award now, because rumors are swirling that the team is for sale and Oracle founder Larry Ellison is on deck to buy it. As a Nuggets fan, Cohan will surely be missed. It’s nice to have at least three guaranteed wins per season to count on.
